Lacking and slacking

Well - I just wrote an entire blogpost before my stupid computer decided to wipe it all clean. Thanks computer! Now I have to start all over, and when you are a professional procrastinator that is really difficult!

Anyhow - I decided to update my blog while i'm sitting not paying attention to class anyway. Classical me. But why shouldn't I - it's the best time of the day to to it! I get to look really intensely at my computer and pretend to take notes while I frequently look up at my teacher with a meaningful look in my eyes. I'm pretty sure he knows I'm totally far gone and  have gotten nothing useful out of this lesson. Too bad!

I'm feeling really tired lately. Not the 'I-don't-feel-like-doing-anything-productive tired, but really bone-tired. I don't feel like doing anything other than staying home alone, watch bad TV, and sulk. I have no idea why! I wish I could just Carpe Diem the fuck out of my life, get fit, get smart and do some really cool things... And I guess that the recipe to that life isn't that complicated. Get the hell off my ass and go work out, run, eat healthy - do my homework, get a kickass study-job and just cease the opertunities that once in a while fall into my lab. But I can't find it in my self to do so. And as seeing most people are totally ordinary like me, it seems like most people feel that way. And it's really sad - why wouldn't I just try to become the best version of myself as possible?

But I guess it just isn't easy like that. Looking back at my post about motivation, it's probably to do with inspiration vs. motivation and just me being a lazy procrastinating SOAB!

Gonna keep you updated if there is any change or progress! - Don't count on the progress though.

Cheers

Soffy

Ripples in the foundation

So, I was thinking that I really have to get this blog going again. I know - it isn't really very convincing of me to start a blog and then go AWOL after the first week. But... you know - it's classic me. I had other stuff to do, you know - like TV and sleeping.

No, for real, my level of procrastinating have reached new heights - I try to scam my way out of most things and I haven't done my homework in weeks. But I have kept up with my assignments, work and training - so I got that going for me, which is nice! haven't done anything creative though, and I have really been thinking about that. One of the main reasons for starting this blog was that I wanted to create something creative, and I suppose that one could argue that blogging was creative, but in my opinion that is only true when it is original and well executed - and I can't really be arsed to do that.

I have all these creative friends who I'm really jealous of - people who use their talent wherever it may lay. They sing, write song, books or paint. Some of them just follow their passion in some way, which makes it as much art as painting in my opinion. I would really love to follow a passion like that, really love to create something that was based on strong emotion and feeling - something that people would admire or envy. Maybe that's a bit conceited - but hey - judge me all you want.

Anyhow, tried to write a poem about a night that meant a lot to me. It's probably wildly out of context - but I don't feel like trying to explain it right now.

Cheers
Soffy


Instant ripples in my solid foundation
Grey eyes to blue eyes
In a laughing moment
Fear and laughter bubbling up
From a wound gone unnoticed
Healed for the night

Instant smiles handed out like candy
Rough hand to soft hand
In a breathless moment
floating and falling at once
jumping at the chance
to be happy for a night

Instant trust given to a stranger
Coarse beard to soft cheek
In an unforgiving moment
Wishing so hard it hurts
Counting the regrets
Of things never given

Instant sorrow of a loss
Empty hand to empty promise
In a never ending moment
Knots and butterflies in the stomach
Of knowing what will never be
This night and every night

Relapse and relax

Well, today I procrastinated harder than I have in a long time. Not a proud moment for me. And here I was thinking that putting my failures and thoughts in text would help me mull over my bad choices and change them. But sadly, it hasn't. Not really, anyway. I have been better at getting my homework done, and my workouts have been pretty consistent. Hell - I even went to school both days. But today i pretty much erased all progress by blowing off my study group claiming i had cramps (I know, such a cliché) and ditching on my best friend and our planned workout - that one I actually do feel pretty bad about.

What did I do instead you might ask. Did I clean my entire apartment? Did I do the tons of laundry I have lying around? Maybe visited my parents or siblings? Or something arty or creative like painting a picture or organizing my basement? To my embarrassment I slept and watched some tv. That is just sad. And lame. I really need to do a reality check and get my shit together!

Anyhow - tomorrow is another day and a new chance at being extraordinary.

Cheers
Soffy

Spacing out and rocking out

If there is one thing that can make me space out, it is knowledge. Make it the knowledge i acquire through homework, documentaries or class - trust that I will be the one playing on my phone, organizing my bag or stalking people on Facebook that I have absolutely no connection too. In this case, I'm updating my blog in English class. Shame on me! But the thing is, I actually do try to pay attention - I really do! But - there is always a but - I just cant find it in me to care. A sad, horrible truth. Right now I could be getting smarter and learning about vocabulary focusing on the word ambiguous (yawn) - and it will probably be included in my exam. But hell - I would rather be reading a good book or, as it is evident, update my blog. Well, you cant win every time.

Speaking of reading a good book - yup, I'm just grabbing the next thing to use as a procrastination - I have really, really, really been looking for a good book to get lost in. I read a lot of books - wouldn't be a real procrastinator if I didn't - but lately I haven't been able to find one that really get my pulse up and  worldly awareness down. I mostly like fantasy, paranormal or sci/fi - whatever to get me mentally as far away from the normal world as possible - but lately I have taken so many bad advices in the romance fiction department that I feel like I have to puke. The last one was a romance about time travel to the scottish highlands where a big bad scottish laird ravaged the mouth of a 20'th century maiden. yuck!

I wanna read a book that makes me feel like I did when i first read Harry Potter, Song of The Lioness or Lord of the Rings! Give me some god damn great books I can use to escape all of my responsibilities! 

Cheers!

 - Soffy

High Hopes Equals Lacking Results

Well... I had really high hopes for today. I had the day off, had lots of time. Hell, I even woke up early to get a head start on all the stuff I should be doing. But, well.. I went back to sleep, woke up late and sat down to watch TV. Greeeaaaat - that was not how I hoped my day would work out.

And it didn't - mostly. I got out of my funk and did the dishes, worked out and started on my homework. Watched 10 episodes of my favorite tv-show and rewatched beauty and the beast as well, but what the hell - I need to relax as well.
              Yeah, if I made a pie-chart of how much time I spent on actually doing something productive VS. how much time I spent on procrastinating, it wouldn't look too good for me. Maybe a good 15% of productiveness. If I was being generous. But well, it could have been worse.

As for being creative and acting on my inspirations, I would say that this day wasn't very productive on that part. So I took the time, as I was writing this blog post anyway, to make a small poem about procrastination - enjoy!

Not listening or feeling

Just being.

Or ignoring.

Whatever makes the panic subside

And the pleasantness of numbness

take its place

The first confession - Either you do, or you're damned.

Inspiration. And me. They do not go well together. Because unlike what most people think, motivation is really not always a given in combination with motivation. And you really, really.. really need to be motivated to act on your inspiration. Or the other way around - you need to be inspired to act on your motivation. And for some strange reason - motivation and inspiration never really go hand in hand for me, which i regret deeply.

You could argue, that you could force motivation - like when you postpone to work on an assignment until the day before it's due, and the fear and time pressure force motivates you into making haste and writing that damn thing. You don't have a choice - weather you have inspiration or not something will be written. And that is both good and bad - because I would get nothing done if I didn't have fear as a motivation factor, but at the same time; if my work isn't in some form or way inspired - it sucks. 

More often than not, I'm really inspired. I get flashes of ideas and visuals of what I want to make, but... the motivation, though present for a moment or two, just vanishes. Slowly, without a trace, it just starts to fade into oblivion. I would really love to create thing. Hell - if I'd created half of my inspired project, I would be so damn interesting. But I just can't. And that transfers like a bad decease into the rest of my life, because I can't get any motivation and fuel it with inspiration and create anything beautiful or productive. And I would really love to.

I would love to create music, or art, or dancing, or sports, or chores or something productive and beautiful. And that is why i created this blog - that started/starts of really unmotivated. I'm gonna try to force motivation, fed my by fear of being plain, boring and insignificant. 

This... is the confessions of a procrastinator. 

Cheers
Soff